I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
