im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
