i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
