I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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