just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My vagina just recognized that song.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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