he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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