May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
