Only a mothe r could love this liver
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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