You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
