I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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