my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
