Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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