my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
