This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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