dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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