he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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