You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
