I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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