I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i would punch a child for taco bell
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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