I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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