The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
