He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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