sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
