I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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