Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
