Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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