dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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