No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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