just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Randomize
