TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
