Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
