My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
