Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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