Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
being pregnant is like rehab
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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