Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The air taste purple.
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