please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize