vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
