theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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