I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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