I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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