life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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