We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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