I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
