I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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