I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
