I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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