I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
