I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
