I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
