nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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