OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
