when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
time to smoke my breakfast
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
