You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
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