a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
